A Light in the New Darkness

With the death of my grandmother and the disappearance of my father I found myself in a situation I was not accustomed to. I was alone without the light or the dark fighting over me. I was able to see myself and what I saw was not something I wanted to see. My gender dysphoria had no distractions and the misery it sowed in my life was beginning to bloom and a new type of darkness was descending on me. This time it was not my father but the depression of how hopeless my life seemed. The bullying at school continued and I was about to get an ally, which would form a small oasis in the desert of despair that was my life.

Grade 7 was an interesting year as we moved in with my grandfather that year as he was having difficulty dealing with my grandmother’s gift. It was hard to live there without her and I knew how my grandfather felt. I would feel her everywhere without the comfort she had always brought into my life. Things were different and my new normal was going to take some getting use to. It was going to be a different school experience as I had friends there though they we all a year younger than me and that meant they were not in the same grade and offered no relief from the bullying.  So perhaps school was going to remain the same ordeal as it always had been.

IMG_1282I didn’t know what depression was but I was familiar with it as it was firmly in place and a part of my daily life. I used anything I could find as a distraction though usually being alone was the best distraction. In my head I could be her and she could live free and be whatever I wanted her to be. I would often go for very long walks into the forest to allow me the freedom to allow her to flow freely, she could dream and talk to animals and it was a relief from the darkness that surrounded me. At home, no one was really concerned over how much time I spent in the forest, which was a good thing. Conflicts usually occurred when I was around family. I honestly didn’t give a sweet banana bread about anything and this resulted in me getting in trouble often.

In school, I finally found a friend. He was an outcast like me though I never understood why. However, we were teamed together to preform a skit in class and discovered that we got along. It was a relief and we became instant friends and he became an anti-bully shield as well. The bullies left me alone when I was hanging out with him. His value went up a lot because of this and we hung out a lot. He was a bit of an outcast and my younger friends didn’t really like him and eventually the world was about to turn on our friendship.

Soon enough my mother moved us again and I lost my friend’s protection in school and we could only hang on weekends or in the summer. One summer we got into a lot of trouble and everyone blamed him when it was all entirely my fault. We did some stupid stuff as teenagers tend to do but because I was involved it was on a larger scale.   There were many factors that led to that summer and the trouble we got into. One was boredom, my brain does not contend well with it. The other factor was anger, there was an anger brewing in me that I was not sure where it was coming from. I think at the time I just blamed it on being transgender but I think it came from the part of me that endured the abuse of my father.

IMG_1274My friend was as alone as I was and he followed every idea I had because neither of us wanted to be alone and often he restrained some of my angrier ideas. I just wanted to destroy stuff, let all the rage out and get rid of the darkness. I did just that over the summer and we caused a lot of mischief and pointless damage. By the time we got caught, the anger was already ceding and the events were coming to a close as my conscious was reasserting itself. The law all blamed my friend, as did my family, and my younger friends who also terminated their friendships with me. I was once again alone and the misery of my situation could return and take up residence in my life.

The courts had banned me from being friends with my friend for a year and my Mom had banned the friendship forever. His Mom also banned the friendship and nobody seemed to understand that we needed each other. They did not realize that we both needed the friendship for entirely different reasons. A few months into the ban we resumed our friendship as a secret friendship and that friendship is still going strong even today. He is one of the few people I know who will always have my back. He was the one of the first people I came out as transgender to and he accepted me without hesitation.

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