Candace: Year Two

The second year of my transition was incredible in many ways and was also a time of many regrets. It was the beginning of the end of my transgender support network and it was the start of my deep stealth lifestyle. A lot of the events of year two were very much influenced by the eating disorder as it transformed my life according to its own agenda. However, it started off on a positive note as I had just met a female to male (F2M) transgender person named Jeremy who had captured my fascination.

Most of the girls in the transgender support group were very much into glamour and many had the typical Diva attitude. I am in no way a Diva. I am more of a grunge girl with a streak of goth. At our meetings, the other girls would show up in gowns and fancy attire while I was more inclined to arrive in jeans and a t-shirt. I was being true to myself which is not to say that I don’t mind cleaning up and getting some fancy on from time to time. Jeremy was the only one who really got this.  I am pretty sure it was the way he accepted me the way I am that initially drew me to him. In addition to this, he was very authentic and easy to talk to and as such we got along great.

YearTwo-2On the anorexia front, the girls from the support group where really starting to get insistent that I had a problem. The funny thing is that the inner voice of the eating disorder kind of got off on people pointing out how dangerous it was. In a way, every time someone told me to just eat, it made me more determined not to. In terms of eating, I was not eating very much those days. Often a meal would consist of a few saltine crackers. I usually had a goal of less than 100 calories and was very good at keeping myself on track.  There were some 0 calorie days which were rough but yet very empowering at the same time.

The weight continued to drop and I really felt like I could do anything with the crazy starvation energy that filled me daily. I did notice a few things that I dismissed such as it hurt to lie down as I was lying on bones and I was always cold. There were daily waves of dizziness that became a part of my life. There was one particular incident where I was hit by a big enough wave of dizziness that I had lost my memory of who I was or where I was for about 10 seconds. It was a very bizarre feeling. I did pass out once and I am quite surprised that it only happened the once.  Despite all of that I still felt fat and was determined to get skinny.

My anorexia began to find people telling me that I needed help tiresome and I would begin to push people away. The support group was the first casualty though I had stuck around longer than expected because of my friendship with Jeremy. Once Jeremy had to return to New Jersey, the great transgender purge began. I quit the group and very quickly began to push away the members of the group who had connections with me outside of the group. At the same time, I had begun a job in a Toy Store and keeping transgender people away from my work was essential to maintaining stealth. The anorexia and the Dysphoria both had the same goals.

YearTwo-3Once I finished the purge, I was alone in the cis world and that suited me just fine. I moved carefree through the world with very few people worrying about what I was not eating and began to forget about the transgender stuff. I was just a girl in my new less complicated world. Of course, soon enough the people around me in this new world would begin to worry about my anorexia. I still didn’t care as I continued to push it to the limits and was fine with the isolation it breed. The eating disorder was about to change in year three as it would get worse before it would get better.

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