Dysphoria: Deals with God

Hi there God, it’s me again. I think we really need to have a conversation and sometimes I feel like you just aren’t listening to me. I mean, how many nights has it been that I have tried to talk to you about my problem? It has been a lot God and if there is any night you are going to take a moment to listen to me it should be tonight. Yes, I am sure you are busy making sure the world is okay and I get that helping people in need is important. But God, I am in need. I came out wrong and you probably already know that. You and me, we need to make us a deal, okay?

Everyone tends to believe that you don’t make mistakes but I have got to tell you this feels like a mistake. Sorry, I know I am crying. But God, this hurts so badly and I don’t understand how you could do this to me. Please fix me. Make me a girl and I will do anything you want. I mean I will help people and I will live a life you can be proud of. I’ll never ask anything ever again of you if you just do this for me. Please God; make me a girl. It hurts so much. Please stop this now!  Please stop this before my body changes in a more horrible version of what you have already done to me.

DSCN9412Sorry, I am crying again. No I’m not sorry. You made me this way and I have every right to cry. Why do you hate me? I don’t want you to hate me and if you fix me I will show you that I can be okay. I can be happy and isn’t that something you would want for me. I lie here every night and I cry and you ignore me. Haven’t you ignored me enough? Don’t I deserve more from you? You can fix me God or if not then end this in another way. I don’t care how though I would rather be happy. I would rather just make a deal. Make a deal with me God.  I don’t need to point out to you that the boys are changing and I don’t want that.

Make me a girl. Fix me. Let me be happy. You know what I go through every single day. The kids make fun of me God. That is on you too. They know I am different and if they knew how much it would be worse. The teachers are just as bad. No one has my back God. I am alone in this mess. Just fix me, please. Make me a girl. How hard is that? Nobody needs to know about me being your mistake. I promise if you fix me I will never tell on you. Are you even listening?

DSCN9478The only relief from what you did to me is when I wear girl’s clothes. How wrong is that God? Do you know how badly I would be beaten if people found out at school? Do you understand how disgusted I am that I have to wear girl’s clothes just to feel normal? Gosh God, how can I even see that as normal? If you make me a girl then it would be normal. It would make these feelings go away. God please just take the deal and be done with this. Sorry I am crying again.

I am not strong enough for this burden you have given me. Please take it away. Let me be a normal kid. Let me have friends and not live in the constant fear of my secrets getting out. I can’t keep doing this. I am broken God, really, really broken. There is no way out of this mess without some help. I’m not crazy but maybe I am because of this. Please God; make me a girl. I’ll wait for your answer as I cry myself to sleep.

The above is a conversation I had with God when I was fourteen as I struggled with constant dysphoria and was desperate for any way out.  I eventually learned to live with who I am and I no longer try to make deals as I learned the only way to fix your life is to do it yourself.  Maybe that was the lesson.

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