Halloween: A License to Dress

For a transgender person before they transition, you would think that Halloween would be a wonderful opportunity to dress as the gender they identify with in public. For many this is the case. However, for a good number of us, Halloween created a unique sort of situation with an interesting set of issues. In my case, I would not dress as a girl for Halloween for multiple reasons. First, being labeled as a boy dressed as a girl was not something I desired. Secondly, if I dressed as a girl too well, it could get people wondering about just how well I could pull off the feminine. In other words, it was a threat to my secret getting out.

Every year it always began as an idea in the summer that I could use Halloween as an excuse to grow my hair out so I could go as a girl. Of course, this idea never got further than a thought. I was pretty sure boys were not dedicated enough to a single costume day to spend 5 months growing out their hair. The reality was that to go out as a girl, it was a huge danger to my secret and I knew it. That meant, I would have to resign to a boringly dull boy costume.   To boys, I am sure their costumes are not dull. They just seemed so to me in comparison to say an angel or fairy princess costume, which were a few of the ones I most wanted as a kid.  It was a sadness that I had to bury each year that I could not be my authentic costume choice.

vmermaidYou may think that I wouldn’t have been a fan of Halloween. In truth, despite the girl costume problem, I was still a huge fan. Halloween is a time to get a little darker side and often a time to embrace the downright macabre. This is something that appeals to me, which isn’t hard to understand if you know me. I said in ‘The Girl That Could Have Been‘ that I could have possibly  ended up being a little goth which is a good indication of my love for Halloween. I even have a tattoo of a vampire mermaid so yeah there is a good love for this holiday.

My first Halloween after I transitioned was the best one ever because it was the first time I could be the girl character. I had decided on a vampire and I was super excited to finally be myself in costume. There was, naturally, a small worry that people could be looking at me harder trying to see through the costume. I feared that maybe they would see all the way back to the boy me. This was a scary thought but turned out to be nothing I had to worry about. The first Candace Halloween went perfect and went a long way towards making up for all the past ones.  They have all been pretty fun ever sinceI transitioned.

It is a really good feeling to be your authentic self and even if that is being your authentic self in a costume. The big difference between wearing a costume on Halloween as a girl and the boy costume I use to wear everyday is that I choose to wear the Halloween one.  This may not seem like a huge difference, but it truly is.  The freedom to be who you are and to express yourself in any way you want to on Halloween is priceless.

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