The Girl That Could Have Been

Sometimes, when I am alone, I like to run a thought experiment that looks in on the girl I would have been if I had been born with a body matching my gender. I will honestly admit that I am madly in love with this girl as she is the idealized me that I can never be. At the same time, I am deeply envious of her and the things she takes for granted, the same things I fight for daily. Some of my disadvantages such as the childhood abuse would also be a part of her but the gender dysphoria would not be an influence. She probably would have also avoided the eating disorder as the gender dysphoria played a part in developing it. Let’s meet her, shall we.

To begin with she would have had a similar childhood to mine because she would have also been abused by her father and she would still have initially sought refuge at her grandparents. However, she may not have had as much time there for many factors. One is that she would have been better adjusted in school and could have wanted to spend good amounts of her summers with her friends. She would have had a good early school experience though that would change at puberty when she realized that she was attracted to girls. In trying to hide that she is a lesbian she would overcompensate by becoming ultra girly and that would most likely last into high school. I can defer this because that is exactly what I did in year two of transition when someone asked me if I was a lesbian.

The bullying would still exist in a very downscaled version. She would still have a sadness that she wouldn’t understand as she grappled with suppressed memories of abuse. If bullies caught wind of it, she would have been a target though it would not have been physical or persistent. She would have still been brainy and I am sure her academics would fare just as well as they did for trans me. Boys would not have been a distraction. There would have been some problems after high school when the abuse came to the surface and she would struggle with depression and a general feeling of darkness. There is a good chance she may have become a Goth for a bit. I currently have a a little of a Goth streak in me.

IMG_0556She would have dated a lot more girls than I have and she would have considered becoming a mom. That is a lie because she would become a mom. I like to say ‘considers’ only because it makes me feel better about the fact that I will never be a Mom and that hurts me a little or maybe a wee bit more than that. She would find a way to have a baby and I expect her income levels would be a lot more than mine so she would have better options. I kind of hate her, in an envious way, right now as she can be a reminder of all the stuff I don’t have.

She would make more money than me, for now. She would have the family, friends, and a girl who cares about her. Well, isn’t she special! I will be more famous than her and well yeah there is that. I will reach more people than she will and even save more lives so I shouldn’t let her get to me. It is just that I would trade away everything I am for that little slice of normal. She is the girl that I could have been but can never be at the same time. I will forgive her for having everything I want and focus on what I do have. She is after all just a thought experiement.

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