Before puberty there really wasn’t any form of attraction for either sex which I think is pretty normal. Being a transgender girl, I reasoned that if I could be a girl, I would fall into the old stereotype. I could meet Prince Charming and settling down with a white picket fence and have 2.5 kids as well as a dog and a cat (or two). There was no feeling behind the assumption but rather just what I thought a perfect life would be like. Of course being transgender, all by itself, was a huge issue for my ideal. I still tried to hold on to that dream until I realized something with puberty and that was that I liked girls. Just lovely.
With the realization that I liked girls there were a lot of complications. It was not just the ideal scenario of how I wished my life could be, but also I began to question my gender identity. All the books I had read said that a male to female transsexual had to like men. This was a problem for me. I studied more and even though I hit every criteria except for the liking men part, that one small piece would disqualify me from ever getting a diagnosis which would be needed if I ever became brave enough to become me. How could I be so wrong about who I am? I realized that the books had to be wrong or else I was so much worse off than I had thought. Of course, knowing my life, things getting worse was the normal for me.
Today, we now know that sexuality and gender are two completely different and unconnected things but at the time most of the books in the library were old books written in the 60’s and 70’s so they were at best, completely out of date. I knew I was a girl and I knew I liked girls but yet those stupid books told me I was out of luck. I was going to have no choice but to accept my condition as it was. The only bright side was that I could date girls though that came with another set of problems such as being unpopular and the general assumption that I was gay.
One of the first girl’s I dated was my shortest relationship to date as it lasted just short of six hours. We started with a lunch date and I asked her to go with me after lunch and she agreed. I was happy about that until she started to tell me how she was going to change me to make me into her perfect boyfriend. I broke up with her later that afternoon. It was hard enough living the deception my life was and I was not about to make it more complicated. It was kind of funny that with the trouble I had getting girls I was willing to throw one back so easily.
My senior prom was a disaster by most people’s standards though I actually enjoyed it. I had asked a pretty girl from work as my date and she accepted which was cool enough. However, we spent the night in a corner talking about her ex boyfriend as she wasn’t over him and I felt it was in her best interest to get back together with him. I was also pretty sure she only accepted the invite because she assumed I was gay and she was coming as my beard. Girls almost always assumed that I was gay and this was a huge stumbling block for me. I have even had girls laugh at me when I asked them out as they thought I was joking. The worse part is once they realized I was serious there was that look that let me know that they kind of felt sorry for me.
My one long-term pre-transition girlfriend didn’t think I was gay initially though as the relationship went on she began to see through my deceptions and she eventually called me on it. Initially she thought I was a girl who had transitioned into a boy. This was flattering though at the time I could not tell her why. She eventually told me there was no way I could ever be happy without coming to terms with the fact that I was a girl. She also said that we were doomed because she was straight and as hard as she tried she could not see me as a boy. The break-up was for the best as it set the stage for my eventual transition.
Today, as a gay transgender woman dating is still really complicated and sometimes I think it is not worth the efforts even trying to find my perfect girl. However, I am not one to give up so easily so I will be patient as I am sure she is lurking around out there wondering where the heck I am. She may need to kick my butt for taking my good old time finding her when she finally meets me. Another huge positive is the next relationship will be the first one I enter without secrets.